'developmentally disabled' ape eats 'asian bananas' in taiwan

i wrote a 'poem' about feeling 'aloof'

if appearing 'aloof' is one of your gimmicks

in social situations your goal is the projection of ambiguity, mystique, and detachedness

probably executed to make impossible any possibility of judgment

ensuring against any possibility of appearing affected by judgment

because if you were to allow someone the option of perceiving you as affected by their judgment

you would also allow them to perceive that a standard of your 'self-worth'

is 'the perception of other people'

with these factors in place, i think, someone could logically deduce about you, then

that 'you are one of us'

which could also be interpreted as 'you are not superior to me' or 'you are average'

and as the result of, maybe, your childhood, individualism, or some other significant, influential factor in your life

being thought of as 'one of them' makes you feel bad

and appearing 'aloof' is one of your methods for avoiding this feeling

i think there are two problems with this method

the first is that the action is contradictory to its purpose;

an attempt to appear 'aloof' indicates that you need others to believe you're 'aloof'

suggesting that you're affected by their judgment

and subsequently suggesting that you're 'one of them'

the second is that i think there are more effective methods for appearing 'above average;'

a transparent philosophy, creative output, and novel behavior can all be more efficient and less alienating

some things i've been thinking about in "asia"

on the sidewalk today i felt a temporary rush of anxiety

i have a terrible desire to be intellectually superior

i am highly attuned to social cues

my feelings of shame create behaviors that reinforce shame, low self-esteem, and alienation

i worry about being worried about having nothing to do

i feel ashamed for things i have said, facial expressions i have made, hand gestures i have produced

i have had momentary fears that something enormous is going to fall from the sky and crush me

the act of kicking off my sandals supplies me with a vague perception of myself from the eyes of an onlooker thinking, "he's relaxing, kicking off his sandals, he's open-minded like that"

my boredom always seems to feel hopeless/unforgiving/basic

i might be an incredibly judgemental human being

to blog is to seek attention

secretly i feel that my life is really embarrassing

3:AM press will publish my novella, my hair will defeat you, in europe in 2010

read excerpts here and here

i wrote an article called 'the gimmicks of american apparel vs. the gimmicks of urban outfitters'

a lot of really exciting news

After some 'intense' 4+ hour Gmail chats with Tao, it's been decided that on October 29th I will travel to Japan, China, and a number of locations in Indonesia in an effort to expand/explore potential Muumuu House markets for its authors and products. As the result of a recent deal struck with a major motion picture company based in Los Angeles, a spike in Muumuu House book sales and Tao's own increasing media coverage and subsequent cash flow, Muumuu House now has the financial capacity and existential drive to broaden its target demographic, both conceptually and geographically. Acting as Muumuu House's 'International Investment/Relations Analyst' (we appointed this title to seem more 'official'), I will be meeting with public relations/marketing firms, a number of private investors and investment bankers, some of the bigger Asian publishing houses, a prominent Asian translator, and a Japanese clothing chain called UNIQLO (apparently the 'Asian version' of H&M+Urban Outfitters). I will be there for 2 months.

But one of the really exciting things about this trip, which is another 'big' 'news item,' is that I'm actually going to be negotiating the terms of the first printing of the Asian translation of my debut poetry book, DURING MY NERVOUS BREAKDOWN I WANT TO HAVE A BIOGRAPHER PRESENT, with a major publishing house based out of central Tokyo. I don't want to 'say too much,' but there has been talk of a print run of up to 500,000, with distribution spanning from Dubai to the Northeastern most regions of Russia, as well as a publishing partnership with the independent houses of the Upper Cambodian Rainforest.



As I travel through Asia, along with representing Muumuu House, I'm also going to be promoting these new V-neck t-shirts I made that say 'random ass shit' on them. I've been making them with fabric marker and fabric paint and selling them on Etsy for awhile now, but, thanks to the connections I've gained via the release of my first book, I've recently engaged in what seems like some really promising discourse with the Artist Consignment arm of Urban Outfitters. When I told them about my plans to travel to Asia, they were 'chill enough' to 'hook me up' with some companies in North Korea, Beijing, and Moscow (unsure if I'll be able to get over there).

In preparation for what I feel might be a 'viral' internet embrace of my newly created brand, I've signed a contract with a graphic design firm to 'take over' all subsequent advertising for my 'clothing line' thing. We talked about it, and decided that the eventual plan is to not only reach the mainstream American television-based corporate media, but European and Asian media conglomerates as well. As a 'sneak preview,' I've posted here some of the initial concept ads that my team has come up with:



To 'kick it off' right, and since the 'official launch' of my clothing line won't be until around Spring 2010, I'm offering my blog readership 'first dibs' on the shirts. As the concept ads say, they're available in S, M, and L, and you can choose from electric pink, electric green, electric blue, and white for the color of the wording. In addition to simply PayPaling $14 to brandongorrell[at]gmail.com, you can also use the PayPal menu at the top of this blog, or email me for an address to send cash, check, or money order.

Higher resolution concept ads can be found here, here, here and here.

Buyers of the shirt will also get a free, signed copy of DURING MY NERVOUS BREAKDOWN I WANT TO HAVE A BIOGRAPHER PRESENT.

While I'm over there, I'll be making regular updates on my news section and posting 'party pics' on my Tumblr.

Thank you for reading my blog post. 'Wish me luck' in Asia, bros.

**the lettering for my t-shirts was 'based on' lettering on t-shirts that jacob severn has made

i discussed the people of the internet, shit talkers, and what i find difficult to write about in an interview with bookslut

fanzine has published a 4-page dual book review on 'during my nervous breakdown i want to have a biographer present' and gabrielle calvovoressi's 'apocalyptic swing' which features at-length discussion of 'mfa poetry' and 'internet poetry'

from my chair i can see the street and it seems depressing

my friend is coming over

last time he came over we were eating crackers and i tried to hand one to him and it was kind of close to his face, and he thought i was trying to feed it to him so he ate it from my hand, but messed up and like sucked two of my fingers momentarily

it was really weird

i have had regular images of that moment since it happened

seems really bad

some gmail statuses i've liked recently
'rippin off dix,' blake butler
'if you are lonely, i will talk to you,' jereme dean
'i am "signed on,"' brian ries
'miller-david.com,' david miller

some tweets i've liked recently
'RT @decibelle if you google "what happened" the second suggested search is "what happened to seal's face,"' megan boyle, 08 Sept, 12:56 AM

'picking up gf from airport in <1hr; must "take a shit" before then,' jimmy chen, 08 Sept, 7:08 PM

'i keep farting horrific farts,' ellen kennedy, 10 Sept, 5:13 PM

'idly/absently thought 'should i use my umbrella today' while blowdrying my crotch and staring outside, closed my eyes and blowdried my face,' tao lin, 11 Sept, 1:17 PM

'just ate pizza while pooping,' daniel bailey, 11 Sept, 5:01 PM

'seems retarded to not think nine eleven was an inside job,' zachary german, 13 Sept, 8:32 PM

the rumpus reviewed my book

i haven't blogged in a long time

i wrote about everyone i could think of on the internet

i think of the internet and feel as if i'm 'at lunch' with two friends and a friend of the friends who i've just met for the first time and the two friends have left the table and i'm desperately trying to 'find' something to say to the friend of the friends

i look at the computer screen and feel as if i want to move to asia

i go to twitter and immediately want to create a great distance between myself and my email account

i begin to blog and think 'what weird social thing happened to you lately' and stare at a computer screen over ten feet away from me and notice that the person in front of it is gmail chatting

i sip my iced coffee and try to connect that with a thought other than the mental image of my face 'delicately' sipping iced coffee through a straw and the vague feeling of being 'delicate'

i have to go now

i am going to crush the internet with my face

with my hand i mean; i will squeeze it

do you know what i'm going to do to the internet

tomorrow i'll be on the sidewalk;

i know that i will be on the sidewalk

something will happen; my face will slightly explode

next week has already happened, i feel sure

i'm having three more cigarettes

with my face

tomorrow

i will be observed

in my studio apartment and coffee shops

making facial expressions while typing rapidly

i will be observed grinning like a clown

from a distance of just across the street a tiny frame will be seen

imitating tao lin

slowly moving away from poetry,

blogs, and novel writing

tomorrow i will expand gigantically

into nothing

in a week i want to float with you

in a week i am going to crush you

to death; i am going to crush you

i can do that

i am going to try to do that

i am going to do nothing

while my soul is expands incredibly

i can't believe you told me that i was fucked

i'm going to start depending more on my face

i've started

the bitches of the world are infinite

and i have come to accept this;

i am tired of the internet

while being ready to crush the universe

and to touch your face really hard

while staring at you

and then do other, unrelated things

i have a gigantic urge to chain smoke,

and to destroy you, tentatively

tomorrow i'll text message you with my face

in a facebook status update

in the near future i also plan on destroying the universe

by headbanging really hard

sometimes i wish people would be more serious

and that i would read more poetry books; it is in this way that i could impress a larger audience

i am trying to understand the key to happiness

and how to stop basing my self worth on how many people @ me on twitter;

how many people 'like' my facebook status updates

go to sleep after drinking a bottle of wine and wake up

feel ashamed for what you have done

proceed to go to the online coffee company, spend $5 on food and drink you don't need, and gmail chat with internet friends for around 3 hours

go home and make a pasta

spend the rest of your day worrying about what you did with your day

and then worry about if you 'fucked up' around your friends from different states

i want to make love to humanity

in thailand

has anyone had these incredibly life affirming feelings

if you think you can crush the universe this way, then you are wrong

or right, you can't tell

i maintain that i am ready to crush the universe

or your face

my facial expression assuming the one it does right before it breaks down crying

i will smash things this way, alone

and then go home and read about it

after writing 'cliche-ridden' poetry

my poetry book was a one-time thing

and this feels horrible, while at the same time feeling normal

nothing could be drastic enough for me

cinema's funny

smoking's funny, i encourage it with an 'out of control' facial expression

thinking 'i'm going to get out of control now'

never works; instead i end up telling people of my accomplishments while they nod and probably feel like i'm a piece of shit

why did you suggest to me to be that person's friend on facebook

why did you do that